I directed the barrel of the Glock 19 semi-automatic pistol to the direction of my husband. I figured out that if I could pull the trigger, the bullet could cut through his stupid, naive and inconsiderate brain; sending him right to his death. His brain had failed to notify him of my suffering. It was simply useless.
My first finger failed me each time I tried to pull the trigger. It shook uncontrollably. It was then that my thoughts wandered. I blamed Monica; his mistress. I was enraged that she had accepted to move into our matrimonial home being fully aware that the man she dared love or like or enticed, had a family. I turned the gun to her. Then, back to my husband…I was moving it from her to him. I was unable to choose who to kill first.
I hadn’t noticed that my daughter Zomi had taken the stairs and followed me to their bedroom. “Mummy I want more milk in my weetabix. It is not as sweet as I want it to be!” She ignored the gun and innocently implored. She bitterly lamented for missing more milk. When I looked down at her huge watery eyes, my anger froze. I gave in and tucked the gun into the right side of my waist the way men do in movies. I mean Chuck Norris… I left my “enemies” petrified. Worried.
I sat in the kitchen and watched my daughter eat. My husband followed me downstairs. Then, for the first time in 7 months, he touched my shoulder and looked into my eyes in what I thought was a century. Then, he sat beside Zomi, took away her spoon forcefully and started feeding her. I don’t know why I cried. I cried so much…my tears flowed in torrents.
According to Dr. Joshua of Nairobi hospital’s psychiatry centre, the rate of depression has tripled over the last few years. Suicide cases have gone up…”Most people don’t even know that they are depressed. They just feel sad and confused. Almost 70% of the people I see daily, are victims of mild to high levels of stress…Most people tell me, ‘I have persistent headaches, I am always tired, I have this pain’…but, after a thorough check up and examination, I realize that they are depressed.”
My husband said his ‘sorry’ a million times. Meanwhile, his mistress Monica, just stared at me. It must have been out of fear or concern albeit in the slightest way. For the first time, she had also noticed that I was deeply hurt. I must admit that it was a piercing pain. A razor sharp pain that took parts of my heart each day.
He cooked supper and set the table. Then, he begged me to eat. He requested. He implored. When I tried the food, I wouldn’t manage more than a few spoons. Then, I felt hot. I just started sweating profusely…my breathing became impaired. When I still refused to go to the hospital, wanting to die…he called the family doctor.
A few minutes later, our family doctor knocked the door and jumped acrobatically into the house as if she was just standing outside the entire time. She looked at me and smiled. To this particular day, I don’t know why her face blazed…she just nodded knowingly while examining my state. She asked for the gun, I freely gave it to her.
She commanded Monica to make two cups of white tea. When it was brought, we sat on the balcony and talked for almost 3 hours. She never asked me about my problem, neither did she give me any kind of medication. It was almost shocking that our conversations ranged from hairstyles to cars, books and even bull fights in Kitale. Each time we got close to talking about my situation, she quickly dismissed me. I was happy to have someone to talk to…I loved it.
She invited me to jog with her the next day at 5pm…I was surprised to find at least 7 women. As a routine before we started jogging, we had a short session of talking about the events of our day. When it came to my turn, i was unable to open my mouth. Tears started forming in my eyes, I started feeling uncomfortable…then, one brown old lady shot from her seat and hugged me. The rest followed. I never missed a single session for the next 9 months and 2 weeks.
The therapy had helped in improving my attitude. Once or twice, my husband, his mistress and I shared a laughter. She cooked and took care of my kids when I was out. My husband found a reason of jumping into my bedroom pretending to say hi to the kids but, I knew deep down that our spark was slowly rekindling.
One particular morning, we were busy kissing in the kitchen when Monica walked in on us…she simply said, “finish up in 5 minutes, we need to make breakfast!”
Tip 1: Get Support
Getting the support you need during depression is everything. On your own, it can be difficult to put things in perspective and have the energy to beat depression.
Depression feeds on loneliness and isolation, the first step out of it is to reach out. You may feel ashamed, too exhausted to talk, or guilty for neglecting the relationship.
Remind yourself that this is the depression talking. Reaching out is not a sign of weakness, on the contrary, it takes all the strength you can muster to seek help.
Tip 2: Beat Negative Thinking
Depression puts a negative spin on everything, including the way you see yourself, the situations you encounter, and your expectations for the future.
But you can’t break out of this pessimistic mind frame by “just thinking positive.’
The trick is not just to get rid of the negative thoughts, but also to have balanced thoughts. Think outside yourself.
Do not blame yourself. And don’t ask yourself why always you. Allow yourself to be less perfect; many depressed people are perfectionist holding unto themselves crazy high standards.
Understand that you are human and the first step to being perfect is being good; so be good to yourself.
Tip 3: Beat Procrastination
The symptoms of depression, such as fatigue and difficulty concentrating, make procrastination tempting.
But putting things off fuels depression. It can lead to increased guilt, worry, and stress. Don’t say you will talk to someone tomorrow, talk to them today. Pick up the phone. Call her. Call him. Do the job today. Just don’t burden yourself.
TIP 4: Talk Therapy
Talking is a way of letting off the build up tension within. Talk therapy has been scientifically proven as a possible treatment method for lowering risk of suicide.
There are different forms of talk therapy. One of them is Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) which is used for people who are habouring suicidal thoughts.
Above all, it teaches you how to talk to yourself and work through stressful life events and emotions. It goes along way in helping someone who has suicidal thoughts replace the nagitivy with positive vibes.
TIP 5: Seek Medication
If all else fails, one may require to seek medication as a way of lowering the risk. Medication is then prescribed that can lower symptoms that are caused by mental or physical conditions.
Some of the medications that maybe prescribed are:
c) antipsychotic medications