It’s 9.51pm. I have been staring at my laptop for the past 43 minutes. I don’t know how to start this article.

Cause this means getting bare. Releasing myself to the world.

I am shaken. I think I am in my mid 20s and I don’t even know what I am doing with my life.

When I look at my friends, all I see are the things I am not doing. I know it is easy from that side to say, but ssshhh, focus on the positive things. Sure.

Hey, I have an awesome job. I have an all expense paid trip courtesy of my job. Heck, I’m going for my first air trip because of my work. My boss likes me – and my boss doesn’t like a lot of people. My colleagues are awesome, they support my side hustle – did I tell you I sell njugus at work? Yeah, call me Njugush it’s not because I look like him. Also, I don’t get paid peanuts. Do I? Focus on the positives? Sure.

Doors have opened for me. I am writing for people I thought we’d never click. Heck! You’ve probably read my copy on a billboard out there. You probably looked at it, snorted your nose, shot a missile of saliva to the ground and swore never to buy that brand. But deep down you secretly added it to your wish list.

People think I have it figured out. Even I think I have figured it out. But I don’t. I’m scared. I’m I doing enough? Have I settled so much into my job that I am not challenging myself? Is this the best I can do? Can I do more? Be more? Get more? I am in an existential crisis.

I don’t feel like any of my elderlies understand me. I tell myself tomorrow will be better but we all know that is a lie. My girlfriend tells me to live my best life, to enjoy life. I have a crush on her but I don’t want to tell her. She’s so pretty. And has a beautiful mind. I can listen to her talk all day, but I’d rather watch her smile. There is nothing more beautiful than her smile, even my soul mate Rihanna – okay, maybe Rihanna. I wish I could paint you her smile, but I’d never find the perfect words. When she smiles at me, and I stare deep down in her brown eyes, I see everything I have been looking for. But I’m I what’s she been looking for? I’m not going to tell you her name. Because, competition.

My classmates are getting children. I am still out here trying to tell myself that I am not a child anymore. I need to get rid of my SpongeBob tees. My star wars pillow. I need to grow up. I don’t want to be a boring adult. Should I start my retirement plan already?

My pen is bleeding. Is anyone out there understanding me? Do I feel this alone? I’m looking around at this room I am in where I call home. Don’t tell me to be thankful. I don’t feel this place. I don’t like it. There is something about it that my heart hasn’t accepted. Is it my pride? I can do more. I can be more.

I should probably go to sleep. What do you do when things are not making sense? Do you ever feel like you have underachieved? I had set goals that by this age I’d be far off. Don’t tell me so did you. I was serious about mine. I still am. But I am so way off my target it sucks. I am a sad happy man. What’s going on? Every day is a struggle between you and the world. The devil takes a break heating the furnace just to watch you in your quagmire.

When I smile at you, can you see through my sadness? Do you know my smile is fake? Or are you just like me suffering from inside but putting up a façade. It’s who we have been taught to be. Nobody likes weak men. Emotional men. Man up. Be a man.

I thought this article would help me. Do I feel better? I don’t know. Tomorrow is another day. I have to sleep early, pick out good clothes and sleep with a hanger in my mouth so that I wake up with a smile. The world expects that from me. My girlfriend expects that from me. You expect that from me. It’s a tiring world, keeping faces.

Even then I have had to edit out some parts. These streets are rough. Honesty pays, but KRA is taxing everything. So consider some of the stuff I left out as tax relief.

If they don’t understand your silence, they won’t understand your words.

Get help.