By: Winfrey Wanjiru
I love food but I hate any form of physical exercise. I like this guy but I don’t know how this ends, maybe it’s for richer for poorer or only for a while. I am afraid I might soon find out he may not like me for me per seh.
Maybe I’m back to the cycle of liking guys who only want the goods. Maybe I’m also in for the goods but even I know I don’t roll like that anymore.
You see I fear talking in front of people because I’m afraid they’ll think I’m not smart enough.
I’ve entertained what others think of me to define me and I don’t know when I’ll ever let it stop affecting me. I know I’m smart but their words cut so deep that the truth seems far-fetched.
I hide all my genius because they said I’m not. I don’t know when it’s going to stop. I just don’t know. Maybe I shouldn’t have believed them. Maybe you shouldn’t believe me.
Had enough? My big stomach makes me feel undesirable and heavy and I can’t take full pictures of me so I stick to selfies only lest they see the way I am ashamed that it’s all out there for them to see.
I am jovial 80% of the time but I’m not a nice person. I like my space too much and anyone that tries to invade that knowingly or unknowingly meets my ugliness, a bitter me, moody me, a malicious me.
I hate odours more than most people I think. If your feet smell or your mouth stinks I judge you and you are immediately blotted out from being in my list of people I like. I am attracted to a guy with good English. The opposite is also true.
I consider being single for the rest of my life because of my shifting mood swings because I am not steady. I don’t see me as a safe refuge and I don’t expect anyone to put up with that. So I stay alone with all the self-loath and self-esteem issues because of me, because of the words I’ve let in to my core. Words I’ve said to myself. Words they said to me. Words I believe. Words I can’t leave. Words I live.
I don’t know what will break these wall. All I know is I’m messed up and I need a Saviour. No, I’m not talking about you Iggy Azaelia.
I’ve tried self-help it hasn’t worked so why not try the one greater than me? All I know is I’m toast alone and I’ve come to the end of me. Something must give. The pressure is too much. How long will I front? Do you see me? Do you see through me?
I can’t deal with myself alone anymore. I need someone else.
Who will save me, from me?
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